Noisy cyclists brag about bedroom antics

"We riders of to-day are the pioneers of our sport ---it's Pilgrim Fathers----and to us it is given to make of it what we see fit. Without a doubt the future of bicycling is now in the hands of those who ride, and the sport will be reputable or otherwise, according as we now bear ourselves."In response to "A soft answer turneth away wrath" …"our pursuit is "low", and the bicyclists are cads, and we shall find riders placed on a par with cockfighters and pugilists, and probably recruited from the same classes. In proportion as a man is impressed with these truisms, so will his conduct while in the saddle assume a gentleman-like character." London Bicycle Club Gazette Friday, APRIL 2, 1880"

According to a number of long suffering residents in the Brisbane suburbs of Fairfield, Yeronga, Tennyson, Chelmer and Sherwood, there's been an ever increasing infestation of noisy rat-pack bicycle riding cyclists, sky larking through their streets, "bragging about their bedroom antics".

"Noisy cyclists bragging about bedroom antics drive southside residents to petition for 'keep quiet' signs." FOUL-mouthed cyclists bragging about their bedroom exploits have sparked so many complaints from fed-up residents a councillor wants "keep quiet" signs erected along a popular cycling route. Jasmin Lill From: The Courier-Mail April 16, 2013 12:00AM

Not only are residents of the bicycle infested suburbs of west Brisbane up in arms, read the ensuing comments and the entire country is upset by these bicycle riding vermin.

Who are these pests of the roads, these practitioners of Carbon Gloating, the recent phenomena attributed to new age cycling enthusiasts who have been noticed gloating over their latest carbon excesses. Bicycles are surely only fit for kids, aren't they? When you grow up you drive a car that's what real adults do. Not these pedaling lunatics, they'll stop at nothing to indulge themselves with ten thousand, twenty thousand, even thirty thousand dollar bicycles!

Cyclists, bragging about bedroom antics since cycling began. Image by Mark James Daniel 1867-1949 State Library of Victoria.

Cyclists, bragging about bedroom antics since cycling began.

Image by Mark James Daniel 1867-1949 State Library of Victoria.

Is there no end to all this prancing about on kiddies toys, pretending to be drug cheating racers, shouting at the top of their voices through the streets of happy town. For the non-bicycle riding public, these pretend bicyclists add insult to injury by shaving their legs then top off the lewd look with tight fitting brightly coloured uniforms, what an insult to decency. These cycling fashionistas ought to be punished by the fashion police.

Once mounted on their silent non-polluting two wheeled pedal machines, these hapless clowns dare to ride on the pot-holed roads of Brisbane. Shouting out "HOLE" everywhere they go. Originally the responsibility of the Chief of Police and his men, in 1895 an agreement was struck whereby police must repair damaged roads and remove dangerous accident causing debris, thus making the streets safe for wheelmen. Asked why the pot holes weren't repaired and all tin, glass and obstructions hadn't been removed, "Annerley police Sergeant Paul Caton confirmed police had received complaints and said police regularly patrolled the Tennyson-to-West End route." Supposedly if the Chief of Police had honoured the 1895 agreement, the streets would remain quiet as riders of these silent machines, and their safety concerns would be removed. No more shouting out "HOLE". However even if the dangerous pot holes were repaired, these pedaling rat packs would continue shouting, as they have an insatiable lust for obscene language coupled with skiting about their bedroom exploits.

Worse still the "Lycra set, taking up traffic lanes, jumping red lights, abusing motorists, beating up the odd little old lady" Yes that's right "beat up the odd old lady." Once done with disturbing the peace and upsetting the traffic, these cycling fashionistas have the audacity to relax, laugh about the ruckus they've caused, perhaps re-live in detail their most recent old lady beatings, laugh some more, drink coffee and take up every last cafe leaving nowhere for other good citizens to sit, relax and enjoy life.

Forget the Signs of Silence. "A councilor wants "keep quiet" signs erected along a popular cycling route." Tasering and a total ban will fix the problem. Suggestions to help the poor residents who chose to live in streets so thickly infested with bicycle riding, loud mouthed, swearing, alcoholic, red light running, granny beating, latte sipping, lycra wearing, stinken, road hogging, rule breaking, bedroom athletes include - "Taser these foul mouthed losers." Tasering combined with a total ban really is the best solution "Ban cyclists in suburban areas."

Cycling vampires of the 21st Century, bicyclists have sucked the fun out of the world, out of living. Unfortunately once home these cyclists can quickly switch out of their lycra, change into human form and pretend to blend in with everyone else. Yes you heard it they actually pretend to be human. Some have even been known to take showers! They'll jump back into their cars and drive about the same roads they pedal on, go to their jobs, get about as pedestrians, drive trucks, ride motorcycles, hang about in their suburban homes. Sad but true, some of these cyclists actually live in Fairfield, Yeronga, Tennyson, Chelmer and Sherwood too! Imagine they live on these noisy routes themselves, must be a horror on their days off the bike when their mates swing by with all that swearing, while they're trying to have a lie in. As far fetched as it may seem, some of these cyclists actually get away with paying taxes plus registration on vehicles, it's said they've even figured out ingenious ways to gain access to driver's licenses.

"FOUL-mouthed cyclists bragging about their bedroom exploits have sparked so many complaints from fed-up residents a councilor wants "keep quiet" signs erected along a popular cycling route. Don't think that this is a recent phenomena, back in 1889 residents of Boston suffered a similar fate."

In a desperate bid to keep up with the Jones's these westerners decided that cycling rat packs would be the perfect platform for complaint. Why not when Cannon Hill and Ascot rooves have signs painted on them alerting pilots to silence their aircraft. Many suburbs have successfully contracted crow whisperers to quieten this noisy black winged nuisance. Apartment blocks in the Valley now have silent underground bunkers, with tunnels all the way to the waste transfer station, noisy trucks are a thing of the past. Most streets in the city have instigated bans on noise from cars, trucks, sirens, screaming children, party goers, drunks, construction noise, trains, lawn mowers, whipper snippers, those already very quiet leaf blowers, barking dogs and just about anything that makes a sound. So why not eradicate the cycling menace from the west for good.

Also in Brisbane the comments left by Courier Mail readers suggests that no women ride bicycles, there are no fixie riders, no bike polo players on bicycles, no elite and professional athletes who race bicycles, no teenage cyclists, no mountain bike riders who ride road bikes, no triathletes, no Australian representatives in any two wheeled sport, no European professionals and no commuters. Just MAMILS, fat, lewd, crude, smelly men. This is a useful fact about cyclists - they are all men, middle aged, and probably divorced. By one account they are "detested by all levels of society". Hang on aren't the ones doing all this pedaling and annoying from "all levels of society", all suburbs, all ages and gender? None of them are business leaders or professionals in any field, just losers, how could they be if they've sunk so low as to ride bikes?

Tired riders fall about laughing after a successful urban raid. One rider falls asleep after a night on the nest then bragging to his mates about his escapades for the entire ride. Image by Mark James Daniel 1867-1949 State Library of Victoria.

Tired riders fall about laughing after a successful urban raid. One rider falls asleep after a night on the nest then bragging to his mates about his escapades for the entire ride.

Image by Mark James Daniel 1867-1949 State Library of Victoria.

Aussies have had a penchant for bashing their own for decades. Banjo Paterson was the first noticeable bicycle basher when he wrote the poem Mulga Bill’s Bicycle, first published in 1896 newspapers around the country. Mulga Bill's Bicycle was about Banjo's preference for the horse and the perceived danger presented by the metal steed, "It's safe at rest in Dead Man's Creek, we'll leave it lying still;". Even though bicycles were popular amongst the masses during this first Australian cycling boom of the 1880's and 1890's, to some like Paterson bicycles were a nuisance. Now in 2013 during the second huge cycling boom nothing has changed.

In the United States in 1889 the same problem existed then as now….

"The Boston Times has this to say about the action of certain wheelmen : * * * * * "Frequent complaints have come to us from the suburbs that certain bicyclists-not all, by any means, but enough to be noticeable-have a habit of monopolizing the road-way, by taking the wrong side, or both sides when in groups, and in other ways interfering with the free passage of carriages." * * * The bicycle is a carriage, and any rider guilty of breaking the law is amenable for such transgression. A few "examples" would set the thing right. The Bicycling World Bulletin 1, November 1889"

Over in New York City where the Bike Snob resides, this week he had a few words to say about western suburbs residents, Brisbane town and it's bike riding set. Lucas Brunelle rides in New York too and says - "The thing that's funny about New York is that you can pull some pretty crazy moves and people don't really react and beep and flip out, because everything is already fucked up already - so they see you doing that and it's like yeah he knows what he's doing he's good…" Check out Brunelle's film Line of Sight then compare to the sedate pedal pushers of suburban Brisbane.

So what should happen from here, perhaps these lost cyclistas should stay at home and do it the old fashioned way, buy a home trainer, sit the trainer in a corner to catch the dust, watch television, drink beer, get fat and die.

The editor of the London Bicycle Gazette wrote in 1880,

"We riders of to-day are the pioneers of our sport ---it's Pilgrim Fathers----and to us it is given to make of it what we see fit. Without a doubt the future of bicycling is now in the hands of those who ride, and the sport will be reputable or otherwise, according as we now bear ourselves."In response to "A soft answer turneth away wrath" …"our pursuit is "low", and the bicyclists are cads, and we shall find riders placed on a par with cockfighters and pugilists, and probably recruited from the same classes. In proportion as a man is impressed with these truisms, so will his conduct while in the saddle assume a gentleman-like character." London Bicycle Club Gazette Friday, APRIL 2, 1880"

he'd probably be just a little disappointed in the way the world has changed and people have stayed the same...

If cyclists could take something from the last sentence, they are not blameless here, - "In proportion as a man is impressed with these truisms, so will his conduct while in the saddle assume a gentleman-like character." The Chief of Police could get on with the job of fixing the potholes. Everyone take a good hard look in the room of mirrors and stop complaining about everything that everyone else does......? Not since 1880 has this happened, so why start now! Queen Bee has the answer.

queen-cyclist.jpg

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